Changing Tides
by gaia-x-goddess
Summary: Remus is becoming dangerously more and more affected by the moon, Sirius is becoming more and more affected by Remus, and Lily STILL isn't taking James seriously. SLASH.
1. Chapter 1

_Remus and Sirius are meant to be together, but that doesn't mean I'll make it easier for them ;D Anyway. I like this story, so hopefully you will too. Feedback is greatly appreciated, of course :')_

The moon shines brightly.

It mocks him. Always, every time, by being so beautiful, so promising. The symbol of eternal love, mocking him for eternity.

He hates it.

"Moony," Sirius mutters softly. "Don't look at it."

"I- I can't-" he replies. "I can't not look."

Sirius slips his hand into the others. "I promise you. Just... Don't look."

Remus turns his gaze away from that hateful, glowing orb and catches the others eyes. "Okay," he whispers, and leans in.

Then he roars, his fangs flashing. He leaps.

Sirius screams.

* * *

Remus sat up in bed, his pulse racing. Feeling slightly sick, he swung himself out of his blankets without thinking, overtaken by a fervent desire to get out. To go somewhere.

Over in the next bed, Sirius snored. The sound shocked Remus more than he'd have liked to let on. Gazing at his friends bed, he thought back over the dream he'd woken up from.

Had they- had they been together?

Shaking his head wolfishly, he looked up at the closed curtains and shivered. No matter that he couldn't see the sky outside- he could feel it.

Its malevolence. Its hatred.

Always there.

He had jumped at Sirius- he had killed Sirius-

'No' Remus told himself sternly. 'No, that wasn't you.'

Grabbing his dressing gown, he headed downstairs to the common room, where he curled himself up in a chair and tried not to close his eyes.

It was warm, and soft. But he wasn't comfortable.

The moon prevented that.

Sirius opened his eyes blearily. "Ugh," he muttered. "Kill me now."

"Well," James said sarcastically, "I would love to. But I'm asleep."

Sirius yawned. "And its a late night tonight," he realised, glancing sideways at Remus' bed. The other boy was either lying very still- which, taking into consideration the time of month wasn't very likely- or he was-

"Downstairs," James said softly, following Sirius' thoughts exactly. He looked at his best friend, who was getting changed with a pertubed look on his face, and did the same.

"Do you think he's been acting odd?" James asked.

Sirius considered. "No more than usual, no."

"I didn't hear him get up."

"Me neither. Maybe he just wandered downstairs and meant to come back up- and fell asleep-"

They both looked up at the curtain. The sun was shining through it, but they knew it had only just replaced the moon.

"Maybe," James agreed. As if either of them were convinced.

When they finally got downstairs, Remus was waiting for them. Already dressed, he smiled brightly and bounced towards them. "Good morning!"

"Good morning..." Sirius said automatically. Frowning, he scrutinised the boy carefully. "How long have you been up?"

Remus shrugged. "Not long," he said, avoiding Sirius' eyes. "I guess you two just slept through it."

James, always aware of peoples moods, obviously decided to stand by his usual policy of following their wishes. "Yeah, I s'pose," he agreed good naturedly.

Sirius kept quiet, but shot an angry look at his best friend. Remus obviously picked up on this and cast a furtive look at the pair of them, ducking his head when they caught his eye.

"Come on then," James said softly. "Breakfast."

"And then he caught the snitch- well he thought he did, and the look on his face when he realised it was my broom-"

"No!"

"Oh come on Peter, you must have heard this story before? James tells it so often-"

"I do not!"

_Sirius is smiling._

_Remus blinks, and Sirius is holding his hand..._

_Sirius is laughing._

_Sirius is screaming as the wolf mauls him to death._

"Remus? Are you okay?" Peter asked urgently, as James turned around and frowned.

"You've gone really pale, mate."

"I just..." Remus felt ashamed. What sort of pathetic creature was he, that he couldn't keep a grip on reality? Especially when his dream wasn't even realistic... Sirius holding his hand... "Fine," he repeated. "Just... Tonight..."

James looked understanding, but Remus clearly saw Sirius look away as if he didn't believe his friend. Panicking a little- desperate to do anything that might keep the truth hidden- he began expanding.

"I can... Feel the moon... All the time... And when its like this- so close to the transformation- it hurts-" he broke off, images flooding over him again.

_The moon. Sirius. Two interlinked hands. A terrible snarl-_

And the moon, laughing at him as it steadfastly, resolutely stayed the same. Promising happiness in its silver glow. Such a beautiful sight, one that should have been peaceful.

"I-" Sirius broke the spell Remus' words had caused. "I need to... Go."

"I've got my next lesson with you," James said immediatly. He cast a look at Remus, who was staring fixedly at the ground, and Peter, who was staring at Remus in awe, fear or pity- or maybe all three. "See you guys later."

"So," he said conversationally to Sirius, as though the question didn't matter. "What's the matter?"

"With Moony? I think he's just a bit..."

"Stop being obtuse, Padfoot. I'm not an idiot."

Sirius looked away. There was an awkward pause as he looked swiftly around, staring at anything and everything to avoid looking at the other boy. Finally, defeated, he hung his head and said quietly "nothing."

James snorted. "Yeah. Right."

Sirius looked back round at him defiantly. "I'd tell you if it was important, wouldn't I?"

"Would you?" James raised an eyebrow disbelievingly. "So this... Whatever it is... Isn't important enough to care about? Its just important enough to depress you whenever you think anyones not looking?"

Sirius looked back down at the ground. "Please, James- I promise, its nothing... It doesn't matter..."

James snorted. "Y'know I don't believe you, don't you? But..." He relented. "I'll drop it."

Sirius tossed back his hair, his handsome face alive with a kind of doomed vitality. "Thanks," he said quietly as they entered the classroom.

* * *

"I'm going to bed," Sirius said, evidently still worn out from the previous evenings excursion.

"Night," James heard Remus call after their friend. He didn't miss the look that flashed across Sirius' face, either. Frowning slightly, he glanced a look to where Remus was chatting with Lily, as he normally did for a few days after his transforamation. They were used to it by now- the fear that haunted his eyes, the stubborness of his refusal to surrender to sleep early- to give in to weakness- and, most notably, the way he ignored his best friends. If that's how he coped, none of them would argue- but they kept a close eye on him for a while afterwards, just to be sure.

James decided not to pursue his train of thought any further for that night. Instead, he swaggered over, smoothing back his hair.

Ignoring Lily's obvious annoyance at his interruption, he grinned at her. "Alright?" He asked casually.

"Fine," she replied stonily, before turning back to Remus pointedly. "Yeah, so I thought that he was-"

"Who?" James interrupted.

Scowling, Lily turned back to him. "No-one you'd know."

"I might," James added, eager to continue the conversation despite the girl's obvious disinterest.

"Well," she said, "you won't."

"Cmon, is it someone at Hogwarts or-"

"James," Remus said cagily- obviously he didn't consider talking to Lily a good enough reason to break their unspoken agreement- "maybe you should just-"

"LEAVE IT, POTTER." Lily shouted, completing the sentance as she stood up abruptly. "Or don't you have the ability to notice when other people don't want you around? I know it must be strange for you-" she broke off dramatically, and swung her long hair over her face. James could have sworn he heard her sob before she stormed off; idly watching her disappear he was surprised to find Remus looking at him disapprovingly.

"I've told you, Prongs," he sighed. "If you like her, you've gotta..."

"Be myself?" James frowned. "Look, if she doesn't want me that's her problem not mine. Doesn't she realise I could get anyone? She should be flattered-"

"She's not," Remus pointed out. He frowned, and added reluctantly. "Is Sirius okay, talking of that?"

"Of what?" James retorted, still smarting.

"Of people who could get anyone," Remus grimaced. "That hufflepuff girl was talking about him-"

James frowned. "Which one?"

"You know," Remus sighed. Looking apalled at himself, he made a gesture. "The one with the big-"

"Oh, her," James smirked. "You should get some action yourself, Moony, then you wouldn't be so shy about it all. I mean... Even Peter's kissed a girl!"

They both looked around at their friend who was swamped by essays in the corner of the room, copying desperately. Sharing a smirk, Remus eyed his friend thoughtfully.

"I can't," he said finally. "That's not... Fair."

James touched his shoulder briefly. "Remus. You'd be a good catch. Someone worth having wouldn't care."

"I'm lucky enough to have friends," Remus said with a small chuckle. "I don't expect more than that."

"Well, don't go for longterm then," James suggested. "Go to the ball next week, have a drink, see who's looking good..."

Remus shrugged. "Next to Sirius, who'd look at me? Nah. I wasn't planning on going, anyway."

James was, however, already scouring the common room for candidates. Frowning, Remus stood up quickly. "I'm going to bed." He left the common room quickly, imagining James' eyes on him. He was surprised to realise that his pulse was racing in fearful anticipation of the coming night. Every time he changed... Every time there was a near miss...

He had a brief vision of a tattered human body. It was Sirius- it was James- it was Peter-

-it was his fault.

He shook his head and tried to think of something else, other than 'what if'.

Even if 'what if' was becoming more like 'when' every day.

Monsters can't stay hidden, he thought, and the moon seemed to agree with him.

He could feel it tugging at him. It was so strong after a change-

His fault.

Sitting next to Peter, correcting his essay, James found it easy enough to let his mind wander. Oddly enough, he found it resting- again and again- on Sirius. Wondering...

"Pete," James said, "you know Sirius."

"Well, I'd hope so," his friend muttered distractedly.

"Do you reckon he... Likes anyone?"

"Like who? I know he had a date with that Abbott girl... And doesn't that one from Hufflepuff, you know the one, fancy him?"

James wondered idly where everyone was getting their infomation about this girl from, before him. "Yeah," he agreed smoothly. "No, does he... Really like anyone? Seriously?"

"I don't think so," Pete dismissed the idea. "He'd have told you, at least."

And as if that settled it, he got back down to work.

Sirius was lying in bed, staring up at the top of it. As tired as he was, he was unable to go to sleep, and yet the prospect of going downstairs and rejoining James wasn't attractive in the slightest.

He'd asked if there was anything wrong...

There was so much wrong, Sirius didn't know where he would have begun. And that was assuming he could have done so, physically. He didn't know how to put it into words.

Muttering under his breath, feeling like a fool, he tried out some sample quotations.

"I feel... Like I should... Be a wolf. Maybe that's why I'm a dog-" he cut himself off. "I feel like I should be a dog?" He repeated to himself, disbelievingly. "Let's try again. I feel... That Remus is sad... No, that's no good. Of course he's sad, that doesn't explain anything... Okay." Staring into where he imagined James to be sitting, he repeated his friends question and asked himself what was wrong. "I think... I like Remus..." Was his quiet answer.

Out of all the things that didn't make sense in his life, that sentance 'jarred' the most. Because he was Sirius Black.

He was already a disgrace to his name without-

Without being-

"Oh, shut up," Sirius told himself sternly. Hearing footsteps on the stairs, he tensed.

Remus came in, looking pale and angry. Sirius, watching him silently, debated whether or not he should acknowledge him, what with the change having happened just last night...

"He's out of order," Remus said suddenly.

"I- uh-"

"James. Out of order. Lily and I were talking-"

"Ah."

"I mean, so he fancies her, so what? You don't see everyone else behaving like that-"

"He loves her," Sirius said awkwardly. "That's... Different."

"S'pose," Remus muttered. "But- he's so arrogant- he said I needed to get some action, he said I'd be a 'good catch', he didn't listen to me!"

"About what?" Sirius asked cautiously.

"That maybe I don't want that! Nobody deserves having that- that danger- and if I love someone, ever, d'you know what I'll have to do? I'll have to leave them. That's all it can ever end up as, Sirius. And James just doesn't LISTEN-" Remus cut off suddenly. "Sorry," he muttered, sounding embarassed. "I'm still a bit..." He waved at the window, a gesture Sirius understood to encompass both the moon and everything that meant.

"Yeah," he muttered. "Look... Remus, where were you this morning?"

His friend tensed. "I told you.," he said flatly.

Sirius frowned. "Did you have a bad dream or something?"

Remus closed his eyes briefly. "No," he answered in the same cold, flat tone. "Goodnight."

Sirius was left staring at the closed curtain surrounding his friend, a strange feeling of compassion, anger and something undefinable combining to make him feel rather unpleasant.

"Night," he whispered.

* * *

_I'm sorry that it's a bit disjointed- I wrote it on my phone- but hopefully enough people will like it for me to continue :) So! Reviews are loved, alerts are loved, and favourites deserve a hug but I'm not expecting that of you yet. I look forward to hearing from you... x_


	2. Chapter 2

_AN: Thanks to everyone who reviewed/alerted, great to hear that people like this. I've had exams this last week, which is why this is a bit shorter than before- I've written it mostly on my phone (and also in my french writing exam) so. Enjoy._

It was a warning.

The rabbit's blood matted its once immaculate black coat; the red contrasted sharply with the pristine snow it stained whilst the creature itself was laying limply, a smear on the picturesque beauty of the garden.

"What is it, Daddy?" his son asked him, noticing the way his father's large body had tensed and that the man had stopped. Enraptured by the glistening snow, he hadn't yet noticed his dead animal; speaking in the high, breathless voice that only an extremely cold and excited young child can produce, every word he said was a proclamation of how delightful he found the weather.

When no answer came, however, he stopped fidgeting and looked doubtfully round at the adult instead. "Daddy-"

The sight of his rabbit stopped the rest of the sentence from forming. A harsh cry escaped his lips; the sound of first grief. For our first knowledge of death is one that marks our lives as much as our first kiss; whether a pet or a beloved family member, we carry it with us at all times.

"What did it, Daddy?" he asked, in between breathless sobs.

"An animal," his father said. "A _filthy animal_…" he trailed off, and carried the unresisting boy back inside, returning to bury the pitiful creature. Every impact of his spade reminded him of the coming danger that he knew was represented by the animal, and he worked as if the labour would protect his wife and son.

But the next day it returned; taking the animal's life wasn't enough.

The next day, it took Remus Lupin's humanity. He saw his father's love changed into something else, forever to do battle with another, less definable emotion. A war was always raging behind his eyes.

_Filthy animal._

* * *

"Sirius?" James prodded his best friend tiredly.

"Mmm?"

"Your potion's on fire-"

Cursing, Sirius began muttering all the obscure incantations that came to mind under his breath in an effort to save his work. Professor Slughorn, attracted by the sudden outburst of activity, wandered cautiously over, well aware of the usual dangers involved when dealing with the mischevious pair.

"Everything alright, boys?' He asked impetuosly. "I- good lord!" He had caught sight of Sirius' potion. "My dear boy! You have unwillingly brewed... You set it on fire, did you?"

"Yes..." Sirius admitted reluctantly. "I tried to fix it, but-"

"No... I..." The professor seemed lost in thought. Eventually seemingly coming to a conclusion, he leaned in and whispered confidingly, "but where did you learn the incantations? It wasn't in school, oooh no! Go on, hmm?"

A frown crossed Sirius' face. "I'm not sure... Guess I just picked it up," he shrugged. "You know, we get a lot of..." He hesitated, "visitors at my house. Sometimes they make potions-"

_Potions to make you hear the things you dreaded, act the way you hated, slip under another's control. Potions to make you appear dead, and ones to make you so ill you wished you would die. Potions that caused insanity, and ones that caused such clarity of mind that you might as well be mad..._

"And so," he continued, wiping away those thoughts and memories, "I guess I just... Picked it up."

The mention of his home life had done the trick. Slughorn stood up, wrinkled his nose and decided not to pursue the matter further. Looking definitely alarmed, he briefly inspected the others' potions then turned to cross the classroom.

Sirius sighed. He hated being something, even by name, that people were afraid of.

"Come on," he muttered morosely. "Let's pack up."

"Hey," Peter said later that evening to James quietly, indicating their two friends, both of whom were eating silently. James shrugged, his eyes on Lily.

"I don't know," he said, answering the unspoken question irritably.

At that instant Lily looked round. James ducked his head hastily and tried not to catch Peter's eye.

"Oh, fine, ignore me too," Peter said moodily. "At least you've got a _reason._"

Hearing this, Sirius raised his head and looked stonily at his friends, then turned to the other subject of their conversation.

"Hey, Remus," he muttered. "You alright?"

Remus looked up, his pale face defined by the dark circles etched under his eyes. He looked...

"Remus," Sirius echoed softly.

He looked _lost__**.**_

"Fine," Remus said cautiously, staring down at his plate. "I'm going to... Got to revise..." Making to get up from the table, Sirius caught his arm.

"Remus... I mean, we all put it down to your, y'know... Thing. But that was last week, and normally you're fine by now so... C'mon,"

Remus frowned. "I'm fine," he muttered. "Just not been sleeping well. Hesitating, he admitted "I had a... Dream last night."

Sirius smiled sympathetically. "Well, you know we're here for you, yeah?"

Remus returned the smile hesitantly. "...yeah," he agreed. "Thanks."

As the enchanted ceiling showed the clouds parting over them to reveal the mood, Remus shuddered. "Nothing," he said in response to Sirius' look. "I'm going... To the toilet..."

He shrugged off Sirius hand and left hurriedly. Sirius glanced over at James and Peter but decided he didn't really feel like being a part of that conversation. Watching Remus go, he flexed his hand thoughtfully, still cold with the feeling of the other boy's pale skin. "Get a grip," he muttered.

Across the table, as Peter yapped excitedly about the Charms lesson he'd just had, James watched his best friend thoughtfully, noticing the way Sirius' eyes were on their friend. "Right," he murmured to Peter, his mind now even further from the conversation than before. As Pippa, a Ravenclaw girl who was less than subtle in expressing her feelings about Sirius wandered over to sit next to him, James expertly analysed the look on Sirius' face, beginning to understand how he felt, and wondering…

Outside the hall, Remus stopped, breathing heavily. He didn't know why the sight of the moon had caused such an extreme reaction in him; it wasn't full moon, or even relatively near it. But still...

The sight had awakened the dormant nausea he had held in his stomach since his last change. This wasn't unusual, he normally felt off-colour and weak for a couple of days either side of the change, but this was a much longer period of time.

As if the moon was getting stronger... But no, Remus chided himself. This had just been a bad month, that was all...

The other possibility was too frightening to contemplate.

Remembering his nightmare- _Sirius' screaming_- Remus shook his head. If it was getting worse, the only possible oppurtunity would mean leaving. Running away...

He pushed the thought of his dream away and his mind had just rested on Sirius when his stomach spasmed again-

Doubling over, holding onto the wall for support, he groaned. Acid flooded his throat as vomit erupted from his mouth; when it was over he remained bent over, weakened.

The moon clouded over again, and Remus stood up. "Scourgify," he muttered, clearing up. Sickened and feeble, he crawled his way up to the common room, whereupon his tiredness overwhelmed him and he fell asleep on his bed, knowing he'd only wake up later, haunted by more dreams.

His last thought was that that was it.

It was getting worse.


	3. Chapter 3

**Thank you for the reviews and the interest, that's kept me going :) I hope everyone's not stranded because of the snow... and I probably won't update over christmas, so if I don't: have a good one!**

"_It's getting worse," Remus tells the doctor._

"_Worse?"_

"_Even when it's not full moon, it's… I can feel it. It's like the wolf's getting stronger."_

"_Stronger?"_

"_I'm worried what will happen next full moon… who might get hurt…"Remus confided._

"_You're dangerous," the doctor tells him. "Dangerous, and filthy. Filthy animal!" Suddenly the doctor isn't calm and trustworthy but looking at Remus with scorn; suddenly it's his father; suddenly his eyes are moons and Remus finds himself changing. Biting, attacking, killing._

_Someone screams, and Remus wakes up._

"I was talking to Pippa earlier," James commented. Sirius, who was frantically reading a chapter he was meant to have learnt for the History of Magic assessment they were about to sit, looked up.

"Yeah… right… cool…" he muttered distractedly.

"Do you fancy Pippa?" James asked bluntly. Sirius cocked an eyebrow at his friend's less than subtle approach.

"No," he replied, "why?" A suspicion creeping up on him, he asked flatly "what has she been saying…?"

Grinning, James said "nothing!" He paused for a minute to look at the other boy, who was staring fixedly at the floor, and carried on. "I know you like him."

As Sirius opened his mouth to deny it, he realised James had walked on in pursuit of an acquaintance in Ravenclaw. Looking back, he caught Sirius' eye and smiled good-naturedly.

"I don't…" Sirius muttered to himself. "He's just…" there was a pause. Casting the book into his bag, he kicked a wall violently, startling some first year Hufflepuff's. Distinctly, he heard one of them mention his surname, sounding both awed and frightened. Narrowing his eyes, he glared at no-one in particular, and swore.

"James," Peter said quietly, approaching his older friend. "Can I-"

"What?" James snapped, wrenching his gaze away from Sirius and towards the other boy. "Sorry, I… sorry."

Lily, sitting nearby with a large group of girls, turned around, frowning at James' worried, tired tone. Her intelligent eyes took in how stressed he seemed, yet also evaluated the way he forced himself to keep his temper with Peter. The boy in question was muttering "I… just can't master it…"

James patiently took out his own wand and began demonstrating the charms movement that was particularly troubling his friend. "That's where you're going wrong," he instructed, his voice carrying over to Sirius on the other side of the corridor. Under the pretence of working- something he'd never been known to do anyway- he'd avoided everyone's looks and questions, preferring to brood in the corner with his earlier conversation still foremost in his mind.

…_wrong…_

The word floated to him, a snippet of James and Peter's conversation. It stood sharply out for him, encompassing all his thoughts and everything he feared. Shaking his head, he abandoned his untouched textbook and bowed his head, leaving the common room to find Remus.

"Something's wrong with them," Peter stated. "Remus and Sirius." He glanced hopefully at James, who was also watching their friend go, wondering if any information was forthcoming.

"I know," James said softly. "I don't know what Remus… I'm afraid he's ill… maybe something to do with his, y'know…"

"Sirius?"

James frowned. "I know why, yes," he muttered. "It's… I haven't really talked to him about it. He'll ask me, and then we'll talk, but I'm not going to push him." Catching Peter's eye, he smiled. "It's how I feel. It's enough to know that he's there, you know? If he wants to cope alone…"

Peter nodded, his forehead farrowed as he struggled to keep up. "Is it to do with… Pippa?" he asked.

"No…" James frowned, almost disappointed in his friend.

"Not in that way," Peter went red. "I mean, he doesn't like her, so… if he likes someone… else, is that it?"

James tried to read Peter's mind. "You'll have to be clearer than that, Pete."

Looking as if he wanted to die with embarrassment, Peter squeaked "does he like… Moony? Only… I thought he did ages ago, because he's a dog and Moony's a wolf and it's like, you're a deer and Lily's a doe… well she would be, if she was a deer, I mean an animal…"

"Wait, what?"

"Does he?"

"Yeah," James said, unwilling to press the topic. "We'll talk about it with him, though, yeah?"

* * *

The library welcomed Remus, filled as it was with books. Stories. Escapes… normally he felt comforted here; put at ease by the familiar refuge into other worlds. Tonight, however, he was on edge and restless; nauseous from both the moon overhead and the fear of what that might mean.

"Moony?" Sirius asked cautiously from behind him, interrupting the werewolf's desperate thoughts.

"Sirius. Can't you just… I'm working…"

Sirius tried not to flinch at the obvious lie, unaware of the tormented battle between his friend's desire to be comforted and his fear of endangering others. "No!" he said. "Listen, if you don't want to talk about it… we can talk about something else…" sitting down tentatively, he gazed at the boy's pale face.

"About what?" Remus asked flatly. Sirius started, aware he'd been dangerously close to flat-out staring.

"I dunno…" he answered, casting his mind around for a suitable topic. "I caught Lily looking at James today…"

"There's a first time for everything I suppose," Remus said with a spark of his old dry humour. "I mean, we know she's going to end up with him-"

"We _know_?" Sirius echoed.

"Well…" Remus shrugged. "I can't think of anyone who wouldn't give into that level of admiration. That amount of love… he's a complete cock, of course, but she just doesn't yet see that he's more than that…"

"Mmm," Sirius mused. "They do look good together."

"Yeah," Remus said softly.

"I heard she liked Snivellus though-"

"Don't! I don't like it. I wish you wouldn't…"

Sirius frowned, annoyed at the guilt which his friend had managed to provoke. "He deserves it!" he defended himself violently. "He's a monster… no good for her…" noticing Remus' face, he shut his eyes, berating himself silently.

"If he's a monster," Remus hissed- and it was worse than shouting- "then what am I? Sometimes you're just so _superior, _Black_- _all he's done is be in Slytherin. Listen, I'm no better than him! You think I'm so different, well, I'm not." More quietly he added, "I'm not."

Sirius let him go, the words still ringing in his ears. _Superior, Black. _Remus had cast his surname at him like a weapon, reminding him of who he was.

A traitor to my family, he mused. Yet still someone to be scared of. Still a Black.

And Remus had called himself a _monster_ and believed himself to be fundamentally unlovable, so afraid was he of hurting others…

Sirius stayed there for a long time, looking down at the book Remus had been attempting to read. Eventually, he returned to the common room, to find James still awake and awaiting his return.

Remus wasn't there. Neither was he at breakfast the next morning; nor in any of the lessons.

In fact, they soon discovered, he wasn't in the castle.

_You think I'm so different, well, I'm not. I'm not._

You are, Sirius thought. You are different.

However hard he thought it, nobody could find their friend. He wasn't in the obvious spots, under the Whomping Willow. He wasn't on the map, no matter how hard Sirius pored over it. He wasn't in the Room of Requirement because they never saw him come down to get food, and the house elves in the kitchen swore they hadn't seen him…

Sirius believed that Remus would come back, but then he remembered the defeat he'd seen in his friend's eyes… and he doubted.

_I'll have to leave them… that's all it can ever end up as…_


	4. Chapter 4

**I'm sorry... This has been a ridiculously long time :3 In my defence, I don't actually own a computer. However I do now own a typewriter. I hope this makes up for it; I'm not entirely happy with it, but it was mostly written under the influence of coffee and One Night Only's most recent album.**

"Sirius," James asked tentatively, "are you… okay?"

"Fine," he snapped, motionless as he lay on their bed. "I mean, _our_ best friend is missing, but that's nothing."

Peter, silent, flinched and looked to James for help. The taller boy sighed, frowning, and caught his eye. Peter motioned with his head- _Do we ask him?_

James frowned, glanced cautiously at their scowling friend and shook his head.

Sirius glared at the pair of them. "Stop it," he muttered. "I know what you think, but I don't… feel that way- I'm just worried about Moony because- because he- because I…" trailing off, he glared savagely at the table and refused to catch his friend's eye. "He ran off," he spat out finally, "talking to me, okay? He didn't tell me what was wrong- and I just meant to comfort him- but I messed it up. I mess everything up, of course, because I'm a _Black_ and I don't…"

James put his hand on Sirius' shoulder. "You're not… your family, Sirius. You're not your father; you're not your mother; you're not your brother…" he trailed off uncertainly, seeing if his attempts at comfort had at all paid off.

Sirius stared scathingly at him. "People are scared of me; they don't see past my surname." Ignoring James' protests he continued on emotionlessly. "Why should I do any less? Why shouldn't I just be a Black, why should I distract myself with pranks and laughter and stupid fucking ideas about love when all I can ever be is…"

James scowled, his infamous temper finally taking hold. "You sound like Moony," he said coldly. "Fancy yourself as cursed as well, do you?"

Sirius propped himself up on one elbow and watched incredulously as the pair walked off.

"James," Peter asked breathlessly as they left, "don't you think-"

"No," the older boy replied flatly. "Quite frankly I don't give a shit." Sighing, he looked back up the stairs into their dormitory and shook his head once, resolve plainly written across his features. "Look, Pete, there's something going on with Remus and he's clearly run off, so if Sirius fucking Black wants to martyr himself by going all tragic and feeling sorry for himself, well then, let him. We need to find Remus, now."

"I- but how- he's not in the castle-"

"No," James agreed sombrely, "but we need to move soon, Pete. It's full moon tomorrow."

Pete gulped, evidently appreciating what this might mean. "What… what are you gonna do?"

James looked straight at him, the faint ghost of a smile playing across his worried lips as he replied dramatically, "we're going to pay Dumbledore a visit."

* * *

_It hurts, it hurts, it hurts…_ Remus thought wildly, trapped in his own thoughts. He'd have been unable to communicate his pain to any unlucky passer-by; the wolf in him was too strong. To all appearances he might resemble the scrawny, uncertain Marauder, but in reality that part of his personality was far gone, hidden in the recesses of his tortured mind.

_It hurts it hurts-_ the boy doubled over and vomited a stream of thin, weak liquid- _hurtshurtshurts_.

He just wanted to transform, for this pain to go- even though, the voice in his solitary part of his mind that still belonged to him argued, it didn't go last time, it's getting worse, you're becoming a monster-

You were already a monster-

He closed his eyes and tried not to remember the image of him ripping Sirius' throat out.

_Sirius._

How could he have put them all in so much danger for so long? How could he have justified that by calling himself their friend when in reality he was doing the complete opposite?

_I deserve this torture._

His last conscious thought before allowing himself to slip entirely into the mind-if not yet the body- of the wolf was that he could have hurt James. He could have hurt Peter.

Oh god. He could have hurt _Sirius…_

"Forgive me," he muttered, or thought he did. A broken howl crept between his human lips, as he surrendered to the pain.

* * *

In a manner scarily reminiscent of James' mother, Lily glared at the pair. Peter almost expected the girl to start tapping her foot.

Thwarted, James stared open-mouthed at her, before switching on his grin. "Not that this isn't a lovely surprise, but-"

"Where are you going, Potter?" she asked coldly. Taken aback, James looked down at the ground.

"Uh…"

"I'll know if you're lying," she warned, beginning to seem unsure.

"Well," James said, throwing caution to the winds, "Dumbledore reckons Remus might be in trouble… and so we're gonna go look for him." There was a pause, as he bit his lip and wondered if he'd said too much. "We've got his permission," James added. "So we'll be going…"

"At night?" she asked sceptically.

"At night," he agreed. "Wouldn't want to miss lessons."

Pursuing her lips, she shook her head. "I don't buy it," she muttered. "For one- why is Sirius not with you?"

"Why indeed," Peter muttered darkly.

"_Sirius," James announced, "Pete and I are gonna look for Moony tonight, we need to find him before tomorrow, you can help sniff him out."_

"_I'm not coming."_

"_Sirius-" James stared at him. "This is Moony we're talking about. Our friend. Your… whatever he is…"_

"_He's my friend as well!" Sirius stood up angrily, resenting the implication that there was- that there could be- anything more between the two. "He's not my… he's not anything else… he's my friend. Which is why I'm not going." There was a pause, before Sirius left the room hurriedly. "He obviously doesn't want to be found," he said bitterly, a feeble parting shot._

Lily frowned, still uncertain. "Look… I'm not saying that there's not something up with Remus and Sirius because there obviously is but… no offence, your track record isn't exactly the cleanest, and as a prefect I don't think I can just let you go gallivanting off at night, no matter which teacher has said it's alright… so…"

"Fucking hell," James scowled. "Sure, stop us, Evans. Whatever happens, it'll be your fucking fault, got that?"

He span on his heels and disappeared. Peter glanced awkwardly at the beautiful girl watching his friend disappear and shrugged. "It's not you he's angry with," he muttered before nerves failed him and he obediently trailed after his friend. Lily watched them go, pondering… wondering if she'd made a mistake.

_Whatever happens, it'll be your fault…_

What could happen?

_It's not you he's angry with…_

And she was pleased to find that she was almost… relieved.

_Remus might be in trouble…_

So Dumbledore was letting James Potter go out at night and look for him?

_We've got his permission…_

Who knows Remus better?

_Sirius Black._

Frowning, she shook the troublesome thoughts from her head and tiredly curled up on the sofa, preparing to keep watch just in case.

She didn't notice Sirius sneak out, safely hidden under the stolen invisibility cloak.

* * *

_Remus won't have changed yet… I'll get into the Forest and change, then I'll hunt him out, _Sirius thought manically. _I need to find him. If I find him… none of this will have happened._

_I need to find Remus._

_It'll be safe tonight…_

* * *

Remus' body shook and shivered as the moon exerted its power; he was screaming inside as his features warped and distorted. Somewhere in the forest, a wolf howled.

And Sirius walked out of the castle.

**Reviews mean everything... and I might even slip a bit of fluff in soon. (I know, I want some too.)**


	5. Chapter 5

_I'M SORRY. It has been ridiculously long, and I've got no real excuse. Exams are coming up, so I'm trying to get this finished quickly (without rushcving it) if that's any consolation; I fully intended an extra long chapter but couldn't resist leaving it here. Please review, because they do motivate me to write... and I hope some people are still with this story!_

A werewolf transformation is a painful thing; agony intensified. Not only is the body warping in ways that, biologically, the mind can barely comprehend but that same mind is crumbling into itself, losing touch. Like a patient trapped in a coma, Remus Lupin felt his grip on reality shrinking as his teeth lengthened; the words he had no time to say refused to spill out, turning into harsh animalistic sounds which he didn't know the meaning of; even his own conscience became aware of a need. The sickness and tiredness that had overwhelmed him recently as the full moon approached rose like a tide but whilst the human part of him recoiled and wept, the wolf he fought all month round with escaped joyously.

He howled… and it _was_ him. This was the secret he worked to cover up, the one that his recent weakness had come so close to unveiling. The wolf might have had more control, but it was still the wolf inside him; it was still him. The vicious animal people were so rightly afraid of wasn't separate from him at all, it was simply controlled. He was no different from the savage creature at all: its mind grew out of his, surely?

_They haven't come_, Remus thought, and felt relief. His flight had worked, then: nobody had found him, and luckily too, for it was barely full moon. His transformation had arrived far earlier than usual- further proof, if any was needed, of the shift in balance between wolf and human. _There's no going back. It's getting stronger, it's growing, that's it._

Despite the unshakeable knowledge that he had acted correctly, however, he still felt… disappointed.

_Sirius could have transformed. He could have tracked me down. If he'd wanted to._

His harsh words must have done the trick; he'd succeeded in losing the binding ties that could only ever have restricted him. The wolf howled again; but Remus didn't feel the glee expressed in the discordant, jarring sound. He felt only a numb sorrow, one of loss and grief.

_He could have found me._

* * *

Hearing the howl, Sirius' ears pricked up wolfishly, attuned as he was to the dog part of his nature. Concentrating on the feeling, he transformed swiftly into the bear like dog and shook his body from side to side, as if clearing out an ear full of water. Things seemed simpler in this form; his feelings for Remus seemed simplified and he had no doubt that in this frame of mind he would have come to the conclusion that he should try talking about it, rather than getting hung up over family loyalties and general prejudice. The dog's mind eased his confusion, until the notion of the embedded 'wrongness' that came with his surname seemed an abstract problem, one not worthy of consideration.

The wolf howled again, and Sirius refocused. The tone in the howl conveyed meaning to him, and he knew that it was Remus. Heading determinedly towards the source of the sound, he broke into a run. It sounded like Remus had already changed, far earlier than usual. However, experiencing the boy's transformations a few times, Sirius knew that occasionally the wolves rasps would escape whilst Remus was still human- in form if not mind- and reasoned this must be the case. For a full transformation to be made so early… Sirius' mind recoiled from the direction that led him, confirming as it did that something was extremely wrong.

His stubborn humanity winning out against the dog's logic, Sirius reached the rough location of the howl and transformed back into a human, reasoning that he'd be more likely to spot his friend in this form. He knew his argument was flawed and that it was a dangerous, illogical move, but something inside him rebelled at the thought and persevered.

"Remus?" he called softly. "Hey, Remus?"

There was no reply, but Sirius fancied he heard a faintly animalistic whimper. Instinctively retreating a couple of paces, he frowned and decided to retransform: in the case that the boy had changed into a wolf, he'd be far safer as a dog.

It was the fragmented second during which he occupied both human and dog form as well as neither, that Remus attacked.

* * *

**Human!**

_**Sirius…**_

**Food!**

_**No- Sirius- change, damn you, change-**_

**Attack!**

_**No… please… NO…**_

**ATTACK!**

The wolf leapt hungrily, deadly in its silent intent. Sirius, facing completely the wrong direction, dropped to his feet and began to morph.

The wolf sunk its teeth into Sirius arm. For a moment, its fearsome teeth closed on nothing, until the space filled with familiar black fur, and the giant dog fell down, unmoving.

**Attack?**

_**Sirius- oh, god, Sirius.**_

_…_**pack?**

_**...what?**_

**Pack.**

The wolf nuzzled the body tenderly, as it morphed back into the broken, scrawny body that was Sirius Black.

Trapped, Remus could only watch in disbelief as the wolf tenderly lay down beside his friend and draped a vicious paw over his body protectively, displaying the care that it had never shown before.

Lupin questioned the wolf's mind, as he had done so often. Shouting in avail at attacks whilst feeling the wolf's glee had never had an effect; nor had pleading with the wolf as it stalked prey; he had no reason to expect a response. Still, he questioned, struggling to understand the unusually complex emotions he could tell the wolf was feeling.

_**Why?**_

**Pack... Mate.**


	6. Chapter 6

In the course of a friendship with James Potter, it was only a matter of time before you wound up unconscious in the hospital wing. Somehow, though, Sirius had the feeling as he gradually woke up that this was slightly more serious than a simple prank gone wrong.

For a start, there was the throbbing pain of his arm- and yet, when he winced his way into a position where he could examine it, it looked perfectly fine.

Then the effort became too much and he collapsed back into the motherly comfort of his pillow, promising oblivion. He closed his eyes gratefully-

And saw a wolf leaping, eyes intent-

"Remus!" Sirius yelled, sitting up sharply.

"Mr Black, calm yourself!" the matron scolded sharply, hurrying towards the disturbance immediately. "And for heaven's sake- sit down!" she added, stopping Sirius in his clumsy attempts to extract himself from the swathes of cloth. "Mr Lupin is safe."

"And I'm fine," Sirius insisted weakly. "Please- I need to see Remus-"

"He'll be along shortly," came a voice behind them, "so really there is no need to strain yourself."

"Dumbledore!" fluttered Madame Pomfrey.

"Thank you for doing such an admirable job," beamed the Headmaster.

"Well, I- it was no problem, of course," she continued to stammer.

"I wonder if I might request a private conversation with young Mr Black here?" Dumbledore asked politely. Madame Pomfrey agreed hastily and hurried off, snapping at someone at the door with a nosebleed and ushering them out.

"Ah," Dumbledore sighed, "poor Eloise Abbott must suffer with her nose for slightly longer, for our sake."

Sirius, nervously, hadn't once met his eyes. "Professor…" he began.

"Yes." Dumbledore said gravely.

"Remus- he attacked me…"

"Yes," Dumbledore agreed. "You knew what he was, before, I have no doubt."

"I- yeah, we all know…"

"I would have been surprised if such intelligent boys as yourselves had not worked it out."

"What…"

"You," Dumbledore cut him off, "are fine." He paused. "He left no mark. He did not contaminate, as it were, your blood. You are not a werewolf. And yet, undoubtedly, he leapt. He did not harm you. Why is that?"

Sirius shifted uncomfortably, struggling to remember. He must have transformed… and, at that moment, Remus must have…

"I don't know, Professor."

Dumbledore frowned. "It is most strange," he mused, his eyes scanning the boy lightly. Sirius turned his mind away from thoughts of Animagi and fully towards his friend, unwilling to even think his thoughts in the presence of those eyes.

"Well," Dumbledore said, "I shall think on it. Now for a more pressing matter- what on earth did you think you were doing?"

"I…"

"It was, frankly, irresponsible, dangerous, and stupid!" Dumbledore told him softly. Hearing the evident disappointment in his voice, Sirius squirmed guiltily.

"I know, Professor."

"You could have been killed," Dumbledore continued. "You are extremely lucky and so I think it is only fair that your right to visit Hogsmeade is removed for the time being."

Sirius nodded his affirmation, still looking down. "Is Remus…" he asked, his voice tiny.

"He's fine," Dumbledore said. "When he had transformed back, he came to the castle in a state of extreme distress and directed us to you." There was a pause. "He seemed most worried."

Sirius almost lost it and sobbed, the water springing easily to his eyes. Waiting until he was sure he had a grip on his emotions, he said, "he's been ill. The moon… it's been worse. He transformed earlier than he should have. All this month… he's been sick."

Dumbledore nodded. "He should have told us."

"He didn't even tell us," Sirius said angrily, "he didn't even tell _me_-"

"Professor Slughorn knows of a potion that will help him," Dumbledore said. "You don't need to worry. Just… be there for him, Sirius. Keep him human."

"He tried to run away. He tried to cast us off, like we meant nothing." Sirius told him bitterly, the words spilling out like they would help his frustration and sorrow.

"He came back," Dumbledore pointed out. "Anyway, take it out with him." He walked towards the door and opened it, just as Remus lifted a hand to knock.

"Professor!"

"I've finished," Dumbledore said pleasantly, "and Mr Black is expecting you."

"I- thank you," Remus stuttered, embarrassed. He continued into the room in the direction indicated, and sat next to Sirius' bed.

"Hey," he said, weakly.

"Hi." Sirius said uncertainly. They looked at each other.

"I'm sorry," Remus burst out. "I- fuck, Sirius, I'm sorry. I hate myself- you can't know how I hate myself-"

"Remus…"

"No, I do. I'm a monster, Sirius, _me_, I attacked you- oh god, Sirius, oh shit, I could have killed you. How long until I do, Sirius, how long until I kill? I should be put down, it's what they wanted, but I was too selfish, my parents were too selfish and-"

"Remus Lupin," Sirius told him sternly, "shut the fuck up."

"I'm a monster," Remus repeated quietly.

"You're as human as I am. You think I don't know what it's like to be branded by something out of our control? You're a werewolf; I'm a Black. But that's not _me_, Remus, I know that now." Now I love you. "You didn't kill me."

"I protected you," Remus said softly.

"You're not a monster, Remus. You're not wrong in any way."

Remus blinked through the tears he hadn't even realised he was crying. "Then neither are you," he breathed.

Sirius froze. _He knows?_

"I... Can you forgive me?" he said simply.

"I could have_ killed _you," Remus said, "and you're asking _me_ to forgive _you_?" He began to laugh weakly. "Oh Sirius, of course I can." He paused, remembering the night before, and told Sirius, "Incidentally, James and Lily have got together."

"What?" Sirius said, grateful for a change in subject.

"Yeah- he was so distraught when you came in, he kept saying it was his fault, and Lily sort of got this look in her eye and when he rushed off to try and see you, she grabbed his hand and said she was going too, and kissed him."

"Wow," Sirius smiled weakly. "That's great."

"They're made for each other," Remus agreed. "Do you want to know what the wolf said about you?"

"What?"

"I'll have to whisper," Remus said, getting off his chair and lying- lying?- on the bed with his friend. Sirius tried to control his physical reaction to such close proximity to the beautiful boy, with little success.

"Remus," he muttered, his face red, "I can't-" can't do this.

"You came and found me," Remus said, "why?"

"You know why."

"I wanted to escape."

"No you didn't."

Their words were short and hurried as the adrenaline kicked in for Sirius and his breathing became more frequent.

"Why did you come?"

"What did the wolf say?" Sirius countered the question smoothly with one of his own.

"You're a dog," Remus said, "why?"

"Because you're a wolf," Sirius answered truthfully.

"Pack," Remus said, and he kissed Sirius. Sirius froze.

"Don't do this unless you mean it..." He asked, beseechingly. Remus sighed, and kissed him again, slowly. Sirius whimpered.

"I mean it, Sirius. I'll always mean it. Even the fucking wolf meant it."

"Good," Sirius breathed softly, and finally allowed himself to kiss Remus back. They could worry about the consequences together.

_You're not wrong._ Thinking the same thing, their eyes met briefly. Sirius smiled tentatively, and chose to think about more pleasurable things, just for a while.

* * *

From the window of the room adjacent to theirs, Dumbledore caught sight of the intertwined boys, stroking each others hair and kissing as if they had no time left. Pausing, he turned away, smiling sadly.

"There's always hope," he said to the empty room. "Hope against people assuming that because of your name, you are a certain person. Hope that people won't discriminate. Hope that there's someone who can save you… that you can save. Hope in love."

Outside, Sirius kissed Remus. Somewhere, Lily kissed James.

Alone, Dumbledore paused, and for a moment it seemed as if he would cry. "There was always hope, Gellert."

The world moved on.

_The End._

_I've really enjoyed writing this, and although I've decided to leave it there, keep a look out for some fluffy RLSB oneshots in the future. And, please, whatever you thought of it- reviews are greatly appreciated._


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